I got side-tracked.

I'm getting a bit tired of people asking me if I'm looking for a job yet. The answer is still no. I mean, technically, I do have a job, but it's not until my parents and I agree that it's time for me to go back to work that I will actually start working again. Of course, the next question would be... Why am I not working now? Well, that's a long story. Although thankfully not as long as my last post ended up being.

So after graduating last June, I got a full time job and worked Tuesday to Saturday, 8-4:30pm. It was a decent yet temporary job. It was supposed to end either at the end of February or beginning of March and, at that time, my supervisor was going to see about pulling a few strings and landing me a permanent position. I was content for the first couple of months there until I realized that, other than the mechanics, only about 23% of the people working there actually knew how to do their job properly. Knowing this, when I got in crap for making some little mistake or something, I just got more and more frustrated. Then when one of my coworkers told our boss and my supervisor that I hadn't done anything all day, I had had enough. It wasn't true, but I had absolutely no way of proving it due to the type of job I was doing. And obviously they all believed this other woman because I had only been there for a few months and she had been there for... Well, a lot longer than that. So rather than trying to talk to me and figure something out, they went straight to the boardroom and had a meeting about whether they could afford to fire me or not. Fortunately - yet not - they decided that they needed to keep me around. At least until they could find and train someone else. So, being the crazy emotional teenager I was, I went out for lunch one day and simply didn't go back.

Now I realize that was a mistake. And I got in a lot of trouble with my parents. They went as far as to ban me from going out with my boyfriend. Oh yes, he could come over to our house, BUT at the time we were rebuilding our house and living with my grandparents on the other side of town. So he lived a good hour/hour and a half walk away, it was the middle of winter and he was sick. So that was just great. It ended up not being entirely bad as a couple weeks later he broke up with me to go out with another girl about two days later. I don't know what was going on there, but I'm glad to be out of that. Anyway, I looked for a job for a month or so, until my grandma started to get sick. Now, she was the healthiest old person I knew. So when she started getting sick in December/January, we figured she'd be better in no time. However, she wasn't getting better, so what followed was many, many doctor's visits all at least a half hour drive away. This resulted in a job hunt hiatus while I drove out to Langley day after day, spending hours in doctor's offices and the hospital.

Meanwhile, the construction of our house was going slowly and not all that steadily. All this meant at the time though was that we had to continue to live at my grandparent's house for longer than originally expected. It was a bit of a frustration as we were actually supposed to be in our house by Christmas and we were already well into the New Year. Anyway, in the mean time, I continued to drive my grandma to doctor's appointments as well as equivocally being the maid of the house. I made lunch for myself and my grandparents everyday, did all the laundry for both households, did all the cleaning/chores, made dinner every night and stayed home all day everyday until at least 6pm - when my mother got home from work. Now, while all this is going on, my mother's opinion was that I should be out job hunting during the day so as not to be getting a free ride. Where she got that I was getting a free ride is beyond me and eventually she agreed that I had to be home to look after my grandparents, but it did cause many fights and took more convincing than I really thought necessary considering the situation.

Wow. I've suddenly lost my train of thought... Okay, anyway, this continued on for a while, with my grandma getting noticeably sicker and weaker everyday. The doctor's still weren't entirely sure what was going on although they did assume it was cancer. Finally on February 17th we got our answer. Although not the one we were hoping for. What were we hoping for? Well, anything but this. My mother was particularly worried about my grandma that night, so she called the doctor, who proceeded to drive 45 minutes to make a house call right after he had gotten off work. When he was there, my grandpa and their children all gathered around my grandma's bed and basically were told what was what. After he left, me, my dad and brother and sister joined everyone else in the bedroom.

What we found out then is that, after being sick since December, my grandma only had 2-10 weeks left to live. The rest of that night was spent in my grandparent's bedroom crying and reminiscing. The following month was the hardest that I had ever experienced. Obviously I didn't re-commence my job hunt. I continued to stay at home and care for my grandparents. I stayed at home and watched my grandma's health drastically decline day by day. I was doing everything for them and everything for my family. We also had a constant stream of people coming through to say their last goodbyes. And I heard every one of those. When I wasn't doing things around the house, I spent a lot of time in my room by myself during the day. I was overwhelmed and didn't know where to turn. I went out almost every night to just get away from everything. Now I regret not spending all that time with my grandma, but there's nothing I can do about it, so I try not to worry about it.

Anyway, day after day it was harder for my grandma to do simple things by herself, like get up out of bed and walk out to sit in the living room. We started having home care nurses and home support workers coming almost every day. My grandma was on so much pain killer that she couldn't stay awake for more than an hour or so dispersed in couple minute periods throughout the day. Eventually it got so bad that - I'm not going to go too far into detail, but - we had to have two people (usually me and my mother or aunt) to get her out of bed, shuffle to the bathroom and actually physically be in the bathroom waiting and helping her. This was one of the harder things to do. For as long as I could remember, my grandma was the strongest person I knew. And this person, this wasn't grandma, this was a weak shell of a human.

Then, on March 20th, my grandma slipped into a coma. This, coincidentally also happened to be the same day as my first date with my current boyfriend. Talk about bitter sweet. Anyway, most of that weekend was spent around my grandma's bed - although no time I spent with her could ever have been enough. Some extended family was out and we gathered around her bed on more than one occasion, praying, reminiscing, singing Amazing Grace, reciting Psalm 23 and just being there in silence at some points. A few times we thought it was over, that she wouldn't make it through the night. But she kept hanging on. So on Monday night I went to my bible study and at the end all my friends prayed for me and I told God that I was ready. I needed to stop being selfish. I knew my grandma was ready to go and I needed to let her go.

Later that night, after I got home, I was having a cup of tea and a piece of cheesecake with one of my cousins when my uncle came and called us to come quickly. So me, being kinda startled I guess, brought my tea with me and everyone huddled around my grandma's bed one last time. I sat at the foot of her bed and cradled my teacup as my uncle held my grandma's wrist to feel her pulse. No one said anything to each other, but everyone was talking to her, telling her that she could go. A couple minutes later - although I still insist it was a good hour or so - my uncle called it. My grandma had gone home.

After bawling my eyes out for a while, I kinda went into shock and didn't really know what to do. So I sat staring at my grandma's body. We had to wait an hour before the funeral home came to get the body. So I just sat there for a while and then I think I actually went on Facebook or some such thing. I still can't believe I did that... Anyway, we all said our last goodbyes and then the funeral home took her body away. I don't ever suggest watching them move the body of a loved one and strapping it to the board, etc. It's not the most pleasant thing and doesn't leave the greatest memories.

So the next few days and the funeral went as well as they could have gone considering the circumstances. I have an amazing group of friends who all showed up to support me at the funeral, which really helped me make it through. It wasn't until after the funeral that everything spiralled out of control. I'm not going to go into detail, but amongst the family there was a lot of fighting, yelling, crying, etc. It was not pretty and it's not anywhere close to over. Anyway, part of the issue now is that my grandpa promised his entire family - including his wife - that he would move in with my family when our house was finally finished. So we spent money that we didn't have finishing the basement so he would have his own living space downstairs. Now, however, he's changed his mind and decided to stay at his house, which he can't actually do. He doesn't know how to cook, he doesn't know how to get all his pills ready for the week, he doesn't drive, etc, etc. I could go on, but I won't. So why does he think he can do it? Because we can't just leave him alone and go, "See? Told you so." That would be a tiny bit cruel. So we're - meaning I'm - constantly taking him places or checking on him or picking him up for dinner at our place.

So, I've kinda gone off on a tangent, but you can probably see now why I'm not working right now. There's no one else to look after my grandpa. If he'd just suck it up and move in here, we could get him all settled into a routine and then I could work and start paying off the debt I've been racking up.

Now that I can look back at the past few months I can see how God has blessed me. First of all, when I walked away from my job. In the long run, it did benefit me. Not that I'd suggest it. Ever. But I was definitely needed at home and that's what needed to happen for me to be there. Also with the job, it ended up being because I walked away that my ex broke up with me, so that turned out alright too. That relationship almost ruined me, but I was blinded at the time and couldn't see that. Thirdly, our house being finished... almost 4 months late? That meant that we could stay at my grandparent's house longer and be there when they needed us the very most. Fourth, I ended up going out with this amazing guy, who's been there to support me at one of the roughest times of my life. And lastly, of the things I can think of off the top of my head, I was reluctantly dragged to Monday night bible study by this same guy and now I have a group of friends who won't bring me down. A group all reaching toward the same goal and always there to support others.

We didn't get very many pictures this past Christmas. It was kinda a weird Christmas with everything going on. But this is me and my sister with my grandma Christmas 2007. It was really weird first looking at past pictures of my grandma because I barely recognized her. I had gotten so used to seeing her after she lost so much weight from the cancer



This is March 2009. Probably a week or two before my grandma passed. Me, my brother and sister and a few cousins. And of course, my sister's dog.

My grandma was an amazing person. She knew the Lord better than many, but wasn't conceited. She touched so many people's lives and mine is definitely in there. I spent most of my childhood with my grandma and grandpa. They taught me most of what I know today. Not a day goes by when I don't think about my grandma. She inspired me more than she ever knew. But I take comfort knowing that she's up there chasing her son - who died at an early age - around. I also look forward to the day when I see her again. But for now, I have to try to keep my grandpa around for a little while longer. I can't imagine losing the love of my life. They knew each other for, like, 65 years. I can't even imagine that. And May 1st would have been their 57th anniversary. Sadly, not many people make it that far anymore.

If I can be half the person my grandma was I'll be twice the person I ever imagined I could be.

Or maybe I'll stay up a bit longer.

I was listening to an old podcast from the young adult's group at my church and there were a few things that were said that hit me like... A ball in the face. So keep in mind that these are not entirely my own words, but partly copied from a sermon on Ephesians 3:14-19. Also, not only did I just listen to this podcast three or so days ago, but I was at the same young adult's group tonight and it was on the same prayer in Ephesians. I think someone's hinting at something. Goodness knows if I have any idea what it is though.

First of all, this is the passage...
(14) For this reason I kneel before the Father (15) from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. (16) I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being (17) so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, (18) may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, (19) and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

So I'm going to just jump right into the middle and throw out the most common question... Why? Why is Paul praying this prayer? I mean, he's praying about something that is already said to be reality.

In verse 17 he prays that Christ may dwell in their hearts, but earlier in Ephesians 2:22 he says, "And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit." So basically he says, "If you're a believer Christ lives in you by his Spirit." Well, if God already lives in us, why would Paul feel the need to pray this? Also, in verse 18 he prays that they may know the love of Christ. And again, in, like, the whole book of John it says, "If God's love is not in me, I'm not a Christian." And in verse 19 Paul prays that they may be filled with the fullness of God when Colossians 2:9-10 says, "For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority." That's the third time in as many verses where Paul prays something that has been stated as a reality.

Well, here's why Paul is praying this. Even though we know this - that Christ dwells in us, the love of Christ - and have been given the fullness of God, it doesn't affect us. It is one thing to believe in and trust the love of Christ, it is a whole other thing to EXPERIENCE the love of God that is in Christ.

The love of Christ is functioning very minimally in me. The love of Christ is not shaping my mind, it is not guiding my feelings, I'm not thinking about the love of Jesus and I'm not pausing to form my response to the day, the people I interact with, the situations I'm in, the future, etc with the love of Jesus. I'm just living life and getting through. How true that is for so many people, sadly including myself.

We need to develop habits that create sustainable momentum. Like, if you've ever gone to the gym... The first few times you go, you do great. You feel great and you work hard. But then as time goes on the gym seems more like a far fetched dream. If you go, you spend most of your time in the sauna rather than actually working out. This happens because you haven't developed any habits that have created sustainable momentum. It's the same thing... You need to be intentional about developing habits and living and grounding and being consumed by the reality of the love of God.

Someone needs your prayer. Someone needs a word of encouragement. Now, I don't know who that someone is, but there is always, ALWAYS someone. And when we are grounded in the love of God, this is in Christ Jesus, NOTHING shakes us in a way that paralyzes our prayer.

Now if you look at verses 16-19 Paul's not praying that we would understand the love of God (which is important), but that we would take it in to our inner being. That we would experience it, that we would be overwhelmed by it, that the love of Jesus would become more real to us than the chair we're sitting on.

So if that's WHY Paul prayed this, the next question is... How do we get into this? How do we access it? In verse 18 Paul prays that they may grasp, together with all the saints, how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. This is the habit that will develop a sustained momentum. Grasp the love of Jesus in your day no matter how hard it is. Wrestle the love of God into your inner being.

When you and I are grounded with an experience and understanding of the love of God that is revealed in Jesus Christ, no matter what tomorrow brings you and I will stand on a rock. And it doesn't mean that your heart won't break. And it doesn't mean that you won't struggle. And it doesn't mean that you and I won't experience loss. But it means that when we pray and when we bring the love of Jesus and work at that, that there is a sustained momentum. And it means that we don't have to bang people on the head and convince them that the love of Christ is real. All we're doing is we're standing on the rock of Jesus because we know that we know that we know that my God reigns. And even though we don't have the answers we have Jesus. Jesus chose to identify himself with his wounds. He showed up to the one that was struggling the most (Thomas) and told him to put his hands into the gaping holes so he would believe.

When you start developing a sustained momentum that is grounded in the love of this Jesus, then when we pray, we don't pray out of hoping. We don't pray out of some measure of uncertainty. We just pray with this non-anxious presence. We listen. We don't have all the answers. It is not understanding that brings peace, it is presence that brings peace.

No one is beyond the width of God's love. No one.

In Philippians 2 Paul says that we serve a Jesus who emptied himself. He became a servant of servants to walk this earth that we might be impacted and draw close. Oh, that we would know the height of his love. And in John 17 Jesus prays, Father, I want them to share my glory. What an amazing love.

In Acts 4, when a small group of people were faced with overwhelming fear in the knowledge that they were going to sacrifice their lives, the kingdom of God would be set loose over the face of the earth. When they came together, they came together with lives that had wrestled the love of Jesus into their very foundation. And when they prayed, when they were done, the place shook. Because when we go beyond knowledge into the overwhelming experience of the love of Jesus and we wrestle that into our life, when we pray things will shake. Lives will shake.

Whoa. Again with this.

So this is the wonderful start to yet another blog. I've started oh so many, but always forgotten about them and left them to die. Let's just see if I can get this one past a month and I'll have beaten my record.

I don't have a specific purpose for starting this. I simply wanted an outlet for all the random stuff I have running around in my head. Somewhere I can vent or praise God or do whatever the heck else I feel like doing.

However, at this moment it is 2:00am and I really need to get to bed. Let's see how tomorrow goes.

Later tater,
Melissa.

Oh, and quote of the day is...
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing."
Helen Keller